I've found a new book for us to read! But it isn't available until November 1st. (bummer) So let's switcheroo Jess's to-do list and move reading to November. Ok? Great! Now, it appears this book is just a hilarious read with no real life changing point. And hopefully the whole book will be as funny as the excerpts I've read. Keep reading for some sneak peeks.
<<Side note slightly relevant to this story>>
Anyone else get suckered into Groupons? Anyone else buy the $5 Groupon for a year subscription to Glamour? Raise your hand! Remember the sunscreen song rule... don't read beauty magazines, they only make you feel ugly? Well, rule broken. And though I agree whole heartily that reading Glamour magazine does in fact make me feel fat, old, inadequate in bed and sooo out of style (seriously, if it’s not at Gap, then it’s not for me), I still love to read it! Call me crazy. I snuggle up in bed at night and just devour all of the fake propaganda. But I digress....
So, in bed reading Glamour. I came across an article on Mindy Kaling's (known as Kelly Kapoor from The Office) new book Is Everyone Hanging Out Without Me (and other concerns). Yall...I was cracking up! I even read a few parts out loud to Anthony (he chuckled). Read below and tell me you find her as funny and totally relatable as I do.
Excerpts from the book by Mindy Kaling:
Best Friend Rights and Responsibilities
Below I’ve outlined what I believe are the rights and privileges of any best friend.
I Can Borrow Any of Your Clothes
Anything in your closet, no matter how fancy, is co-owned by me, your best friend. I can borrow it for as long as I want. If I get something on it or lose it, I should make all good faith attempts to get it cleaned or buy you a new one, but I don’t need to do that, and you still have to love me. If I ruin something of yours and don’t replace it, you’re allowed to talk shit about me to our other friends for a calendar year. That’s it. Then you have to get over it. One stipulation to borrowing your clothes is that you have to have worn the item at least once before I borrow it. I’m not a monster.
We Sleep In the Same Bed
If we’re on a trip or if our boyfriends are away, and there’s a bed bigger than a twin, we’re partnering up. It is super weird for us to not share a bed. How else will we talk until we fall asleep?
I Can Ditch You, Within Reason
I can ditch you to hang out with a guy, but only if that possibility has been discussed and getting-ride-home practicalities have been worked out prior to the event. In return, I need to talk about you a lot with that guy so he knows how much I love you.
I Will Take Care of Your Kids If You Die
I can’t even write about this, it’s too sad. But yes, I will do that. And you will have one awesome little kid who hears endless stories about how amazing and beautiful and perfect you were. Incidentally, your kid will grow up loving Indian food.
I Will Hate and Re-like People for You
But don’t get mad if I can’t keep track. Bobby? Don’t we hate him? No, we love him. Okay, okay. Sorry.
No Two People Are Better Than Us
We fucking rock. No one can beat us.
The Day I Stopped Eating Cupcakes
Very recently I was out on script for The Office for a week. “Out on script” refers to when writers are sent off on their own to write a first draft of an episode of the show. It is an amazing time, basically paid and sanctioned hooky. This means that instead of showering, dressing, and coming into work every day, I’m allowed to laze around my house in a giant T-shirt and no pants, go shopping, and go to trendy cardio classes with my fun, unemployed friends. Obviously this is the best time ever. This time when I was on script, I stopped by my favorite cupcake place, which I will call Sunshine Cupcakes. (“Sunshine Cupcakes”—while a ridiculous name—is actually a restrained parody of cupcake bakery names. You have no idea. In Los Angeles, cupcake bakeries are as pervasive as Starbucks. They are the product of a city with an abundance of trophy wives, because trophy wives are the financial engines of cutesy commerce that makes Los Angeles like no other American city: toe jewelry, doorknob cozies, vegan dog food, you get it. If I am sounding mean, I should tell you how jealous and admiring I am of these trophy wives. I’d marry a partner at William Morrison Endeavor and start a cat pedicure parlor m’self if I were so lucky.) So yeah, on my fourth consecutive visit to Sunshine Cupcakes, E was paying for my cupcake when the female manager (cupcake apron, far side glasses, streak of pink hair, the universal whimsical bakery lady uniform, as far as I can tell) approached me.
Far Side: You’ve come here a lot this week.
Me (Mouthful of a generous sample): Yeah, I love this place, man.
Far Side: We know you’re on Twitter. (Leaning in conspiratorially) And, if you’re willing to tweet about loving Sunshine Cupcakes, this cupcake (gesturing to the one I was buying) is free.
I did not know it was possible to be triple offended. First of all, Manager Woman, if you notice that a thirty-one-year-old woman is coming to your cupcake bakery every day for a week, keep that information to yourself. I don’t need to be reminded of how poor my food choices are on a regular basis. Secondly, how cheap and/or poor do you think I am? A cupcake costs two bucks! You think I’m miserly enough to think, like, “Oh goody, I can save those two bucks for some other tiny purchase later today”? And thirdly, even if I were to buy in to this weird bribery situation where I endorse your product, you think the cost of it would be one measly cupcake? The implications of this offer were far worse than anything she meant to propose, obviously, but I hate her forever nonetheless. This is why I never eat cupcakes anymore. The connotations are too disturbing to me.
Apparently she is also popular for her tweets. And though I'm not on twitter, I kind of wish I was just to read her tweets. So who wants to preorder this book with me?